Embarrassment

November 9, 2024

My life is plagued by mistakes taking people literally. Probably my most embarrassing one is Jennette, a woman I started dating in 2020. She once sent me 13 cards, 13 days in a row professing her love and devotion to me. I remember feeling so pressured and confused but I decided to take them at face value that this is how she felt and I thought she wanted to continue to talk to me. Fast forward a year later, I asked her about those and she said she was incredibly scared of me and my aggression, that if she didn’t do that, I was going to hurt her. Internally, I was blown away at this explanation and profusely apologized, I never ever want to make a person scared. I went back to my journal and I could see where I was trying to slow things down and put a little distance. I liked her a lot but she was saying that she loved me before we even met so I guess I was pretty bad?

I hate it because I have no memory of this. Both she sand Amy said I would “disassociate” for long periods of time, go on severe, criminal rampages and then “act” like I have no memory of it. But I wasn’t lying and I never saw any evidence of the things I was supposedly doing. I asked why she didn’t make recordings to try and help me and she said it’s hard to do that when everyone is just trying to survive me.

So then that made me wonder about my past and OMG, I messed up. Amy asked me to marry her but may not have been serious. All of those times my partners were good to me, they were only trying to appease me and get away. I genuinely like all of them and they wanted nothing to do with me but I was too blind to see that.

The second worse was Dad. I went home in April 0f ’24 because I thought he told me to and offered to help. I later found out that he was just being kind (which it was) and I tortured him for a year being around because I “couldn’t read the signs.”

My life is marred by people being incredibly kind to me and me not reading the tea leaves that they didn’t want me around.

My explanation for this is that I was subconsciously greedy and would gaslight myself that the person likes me, wants me around because the reality was too painful for me. I didn’t want to face that my weird autistic traits were just too much for anyone to deal with even if I was extremely generous. I should have been better.