Depersonalization

November 10, 2024

One of my coping skills was depersonalization. When I was young, I was too sensitive (still am) and would get so anxious and worried when I would make my dad angry. He was always angry and I was always doing something beyond stupid as a kid to make him that way. It became easier to make fun of the insult the “me” that was causing all of these problems. In my second head, I would try to be quiet and perfect because I didnt want to get what that other complete idiot kid was getting.

This served me well into adulthood. Some massive destructive events in my life were smoothed over in my brain by thinking that other dumb kid got exactly what he deserved but I will be better and avoid that.

The downside of this is the way I spoke about my trauma. I spoke about it so matter of fact and with detail and this made people not believe it. I got a little smarter as I got older and stopped talking about those things, even in therapy.

Dad didn’t like me but he taught me an important lesson that we only get exactly what we deserve, nothing more and nothing less. If something bad happened to me, that’s because I really deserved it and if something good happened to me, that’s because I had done really well and put others first. This also helped me during this time because I know that I deserve it. If I had done better in life, my phone would right with help.